Around this time of the year the AFL awards season is in full swing, with column inches devoted to cataloguing the many awards available to any player in the league who managed to strap on his footy boots on the correct feet at some point during the season.

Some might suggest that these awards have become so abundant as to render a lot of them meaningless.

Here at The New Daily we take these matters very seriously indeed.

• Caught on tape: Roos, King, Vickery
• Brazil guilty of crimes against defence

So to round out the AFL awards season we have consulted a hand-picked panel of experts, plonkers and plodders for their votes on the season’s best performances.

We then divided these results by the square root of metres gained by each respective vote-getter, multiplied this number by contested ball wins, factored in the tackle differential (once we figured out what that was) and secured the results under lock and key in a vault with 24 hour security surveillance (the bottom drawer of the work experience kid’s desk).

So without further ado, here are The New Daily’s AFL awards you might have missed in season 2014…

The ‘Dog Ate My Homework Plaque’ for best animal-related excuse of the year goes to Daniel Talia and his vomiting cat.

Yes, you read that right. The Adelaide Crows defender blamed the fact that his pet cat was vomiting in the backseat of his car for distracting him while driving, causing him to exceed the speed limit by 30 kilometres per hour and wind up with a court appearance courtesy of his queasy feline. Proving that truth is stranger than fiction, this tenuous excuse was sufficient to convince the Adelaide Magistrates Court to let Talia to keep his license. Though this excuse might have convinced the presiding magistrate of Talia’s innocence, we’ve run our eye over the case and found one glaring point that remains unaccounted for by Talia’s legal team.

Given Talia lives in the sleepy city of Adelaide, not exactly regarded as the nation’s hotbed of urgent activity, what exactly in that fair town was Talia in such a rush to get to?

The ‘John Farnham Medal’ for longest farewell tour in living memory goes to Lenny Hayes.

Cue requisite Lenny Hayes tributes here. In the pantheon of good blokes Hayes would sit right up the top nestled somewhere between the guy who pulled his car over in pouring rain during peak hour last year to help you change your car tyre, and the mate who picks up your little one to take him to the Auskick clinic every Saturday morning, allowing you and the missus a much needed sleep in.

But every week for the second half of the year seemed to be another stop on the Lenny Hayes Farewell Tribute Show. First there was Lenny’s last home game for the Saints, then there were the emotional tributes for Lenny’s last match at the MCG, and let’s not forget the celebrations which accompanied Lenny’s last game against an opponent with vertical stripes in its jumper. And so the list went on.

The ‘Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau Memorial Trophy’ in honour of Grumpy Old Men goes to Mick Malthouse.

If it wasn’t Cameron Ling that Malthouse was spitting chips at, it was the intrusion into the commentary box of Channel Seven’s cameras, or reporter Mark Stevens’ statements come questions come observations to Malthouse in the post-match press conferences. For a man who has won a solitary premiership in his past twenty years as an AFL coach, can we humbly suggest that it might be time for Malthouse to direct his energies towards more meaningful pursuits than trying to tear every slick-haired member of the fourth estate a new one?

It’s only a suggestion Mick, so please don’t take it the wrong way, but maybe next season you could focus your attention on, say, I don’t know, making sure your club wins more than seven games of footy for the year? Just a thought.

The ‘INXS Cup’ for being no Good without your original front man goes to the Gold Coast Suns.

For all the talk about their emerging fleet of capable midfielders and covering for the great man’s loss, sadly it was a case of no Gary Ablett Jnr, no Gold Coast Suns. When the balding ball magnet went down with a shoulder injury in round 16, the Suns were entrenched in the top eight and looked finals bound. Fast forward to the end of the season and the fledgling club managed only one win from its final seven matches without Ablett, finishing a disappointing 12th.

In hindsight, it’s no wonder Ablett suffered a bung shoulder. Having to carry the weight of his teammates on his broad frame throughout the year would cause any man’s shoulder to break at one point or another.

The ‘Stop the Presses Award’ for breaking news story of the year goes to Karmichael Hunt’s return to Rugby League.

In news that surprised precisely nobody, former rugby league international turned Suns player Karmichael Hunt announced he would not be continuing his AFL career next year. That gives the AFL a zero from two strike rate in retaining its leaguies turned footy crossovers following Big Issy’s move to union. Well knock me down with a feather and hold the front page.

The ‘Golden Raspberry’ for most drawn out sporting drama goes to ASADA and the Essendon Football Club for their portrayal of To Kill a MockingHird.

First it was sport’s blackest day, then it became an episode, and now it’s turned into a saga. As you read this, the literary boffins at Macquarie are busy inventing a word that effectively conveys the length of time this Essendon mess will have been going on for if it continues into next year. Meanwhile everyone else in the footy world is fed up to their peptide-filled eyeballs with the whole thing.

Suffice to say, the Essendon drugs story has become about as long and tiresome as a first round French Open slugfest between a pair of pint-sized clay court specialists locked in a never-ending baseline rally.

Wake me up when it’s over please.

The ‘Hulk Hogan Medal’ for most inspired use of professional wrestling in an AFL match goes to Brian Lake.

So you’re a little peeved that your team is going to lose a match that it was expected to comfortably win. You’ve had a dirty day on the field and the little devil on your left shoulder is starting to get the better of the little angel on your right shoulder. What’s a guy to do?

If you’re Brian Lake, it’s time to break out a few old-school wrestling moves from the 80’s on the next bloke to look sideways at you.

Enter stage left, Drew Petrie.

Providing the compulsory “won’t somebody think of the children” moment for the year (with an honourable mention to Tyrone Vickery), Lake pinned Petrie on the ground before deciding that the most prudent course of action was to try and cut off the oxygen supply to Petrie’s brain by choking him out in front of 40,000 spectators at the venue and several million viewers watching on at home.

Listening to some pundits (Brian Taylor, we’re looking at you), one might believe viewers came within a whisker of witnessing the first live broadcast of an execution on Australian television such was the degree of violence in Lake’s actions.

In carrying out this manoeuvre, Lake used exactly one brain cell, Petrie tapped out twice, while Lake continued to pin Petrie for the compulsory wrestling three-count, resulting in Lake being given a four week suspension for his brain fade. High five anyone?