Paul Roos receives a call from Melbourne CEO Peter Jackson

Paul Roos: Hello?

Peter Jackson: Hi Paul, it’s Peter. I wanted to discuss your contract.

Roos: Not a problem Jacko.

Jackson: Paul, you’ve been so committed to this club. Your dedication to the players is something I really admire.

Roos: Well, you are giving me a lot of money. It’s amazing. Every time I see my bank balance my eyes almost fall out of my head. There are so, so many zeros.

Jackson: Well, I know what really interests you is the challenge, the working with young players and instilling a new culture.

Roos: And the money Peter. That AFL money I’m getting is just ridiculous.

Jackson: Paul, what I want to ask is for you to coach a third year. To continue to change this club’s culture and challenge yourself.

Roos: I’ll do it Jacko. I’ll do it, not for the money, those dollars just pouring into my account like some sort of biblical flood.

I’ll do it because of some of those other things you mentioned that I can’t remember now. They are the things that are important.

You’ve got my BSB and everything right?

Ty Vickery calls Dean Cox

On Friday night, Richmond forward Ty Vickery punched Eagles ruckman Dean Cox, knocking him out. Here he rings to apologise.

Dean Cox: Hello, who is this?

Ty Vickery: It’s Ty Vickery

Cox: Who?

Vickery: The guy who punched you in the head while you weren’t looking and knocked you out. It was on Friday.

Cox: Oh, that Ty Vickery. What do you want?

Vickery: I wanted to apologise. The remorse I feel about my actions is a dark ocean upon which only I must sail.

Cox: Maybe you should just stick to punching people.

Vickery: I was just trying to find the words to capture how sorry I am.

Cox: Let’s not worry about finding the right words. Perhaps you could just punch people a bit less?

Vickery: It’s a fair request.

Cox: Look, I wasn’t exactly happy about the whole thing. I doubt many people would put ‘being knocked unconscious’ on their list of goals.

Vickery: I’m sorry. I guess playing for Richmond and being called Ty means I’ve got a lot of pent up anger.

Cox: Look, I understand. Although I think Richmond fans have more of a right to being angry.

Jake King rings Damien Hardwick

Jake ‘Push Up’ King calls Richmond coach Damien Hardwick to break the news he is retiring.

Jake King: Damo, it’s Jake.

Damien Hardwick: Alright, what police station are you in? I’ll come now.

King: No, nothing like that. I’m calling to let you know I’m retiring.

Hardwick: Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. Well Jake, can I say that I’ve never coached anyone with more tattoos than you.

King: Really? That’s the only thing you can think to say?

Hardwick: Actually it could be Dusty. He has a lot of tattoos and those neck ones have to count for extra.

King: Aren’t you going to say anything nice?

Hardwick: Sure I am! You were a much-needed distraction from our poor form early in the season.
Many a day I thanked my lucky stars that the papers were focused on you hanging out with bikies and not on my coaching.

King: I really appreciate that coach.

Hardwick: Anyway, what are you going to do after footy?

King: It wasn’t an easy decision. It’s a job that requires a lack of empathy for others, intimidation skills, deceitfulness and a ruthlessness that leaves others breathless.

Hardwick: So you will be joining a bikie gang then.

King: Nah, I’m going to be an AFL executive.