Football: snacking Suarez in the mood for Italian

You’re coming off a career-best season. You seem to have put your erratic ways behind you. Every major club in the world covets you, and you’re starting to be talked about in the same breath as Messi and Ronaldo. After a slow start, you’re starting to dominate the World Cup, and the eyes of the world are on you. You’re hungry. That Giorgio Chiellini seems like a bit of a jerk. What do you do?

What would anyone do? Your best Pac Man impersonation, of course.

AFL: Browny hangs up his bruised bonce

The aggregated hips, elbows and skulls of the AFL have breathed a collective sigh of relief after Jonathan Brown hung up his granite-hard noggin on Monday. Browny was the last of the Mohicans, an old-school intimidator with an unconventional means of asserting himself. In his pomp, Browny lay waste to many a defence with his head-first style, and while age cruelled him, he was always capable of splitting a game open with a great, menacing waft of that imposing cranium.

In other footy news, headband enthusiast and budding T-shirt entrepreneur Bryce Gibbs has signed a lucrative five-year deal with Carlton. Because this is the world we live in now.

Tennis: Murray carries the hopes of two nations

There is a sporting feast on at the moment, and no feast is complete without that really delicious-looking, honey-glazed whatsit that is brought out at precisely the moment that your belly reaches 110% of its capacity. At this moment, the mere thought of eating a honey-glazed whatsit threatens to turn your inside out. Then you remember that England just crashed out of the World Cup, leaving a nation bereft, desperate for succour. You remember that Andy Murray is defending his title. You realise that England is about to do that thing where it morphs awkwardly into Britain, all the better to appropriate the achievements of tennis’ foremost Scotsman.

Maybe you could manage just a little morsel after all…

Australia, meanwhile, was doing well at the All England club on Wednesday, but come Thursday things were looking decidedly worse. They say a day’s a long time in tennis.

NRL: Gallen beefs with the NRL, Cronulla, the world

Paul Gallen’s got beef. Yep, again. Last week, Gallen beefed with the NRL for bleeding the biff out of Origin. This week, it was with the Cronulla administration for draining the determination out of the club by appointing Peter Sharp as caretaker coach, a guy who doesn’t even want the job – I say fair beef, Paul. Gallen, eyes wild and arms a-flailing, clarified that he had nothing against Sharp, before comparing Sharp to a slack schoolteacher – Gallen failed to clarify whether this was alluding to his inability to maintain discipline or to Sharp’s preference for tweed and general air of dishevelment. The metaphor was a bold one, but no more robust than you’d expect from a guy that probably bopped his midwife on the way out. In these vegetarian times, you’ve got to laud Gallen’s dedication to the beef.

Football: Mike’s Mentalists bow out with a whimper

When Tim ‘Terror’ Cahill got himself suspended for the final World Cup group match against humbled defending champs Spain, Australia’s plan A, B and C went out the window. Mike ‘Mad Dog’ Jedinak fought like a cranky lizard in the heart of midfield, but ultimately football is a game for humans, not lizards, and Spain had 11 very good ones out on the field of play. They bow out without a win, but Mike’s Mentalists did all Aussies proud by flying the flag in an incredibly tough group. In particular, Ben ‘Bruiser’ Halloran and Matthew ‘The Lunge’ Leckie can be proud of their efforts.

Things to look forward to:

It’s rivalry round in the AFL, which means Adelaide versus Port, Freo versus West Coast, Montague versus Capulet, and, uh, Hawthorn versus Gold Coast. That’s right, as well as old grudges and crosstown rivalries, the AFL continue a relatively recent tradition with a handful of arbitrary match-ups between the competition’s ‘remainder’ sides.

Over in the NRL, the silvertail derby between the Roosters and the Sea Eagles shapes as the pick of the litter. If sadism’s more your speed, though, you can choose between Parramatta walloping the Newcastle Knights, or the Broncos making a mess of the Sharks. I wouldn’t recommend both, though.