AFL umpires report, August 2025

The AFL’s much-feted robot umpires have been lauded as a success by the league’s director of umpiring, Mick Malthouse, despite complaints that the high-tech whistle blowers lack a human touch.

“No coach or fan should ever complain about a decision now,” Malthouse claimed.

“They are literally incapable of an incorrect call.”

The robots, which feature technology adapted from NASA’s successful manned Mars mission, react faster than humans, are not swayed by the state of the game and do not respond to “rule of the week” requests.

However, lower profile clubs have called for a salary cap on IT departments, saying richer clubs have the capability to hack the units to get free kicks.

And many fans refuse to believe in the impartiality of the machines, dubbing them “tin maggots”.

High pitch of dudgeon

England cricket officials angrily denied they are confused about the preparation of their pitches, despite the use of cannabis lamps to help cure the Edgbaston surface for the Third Ashes Test that they romped to victory in.

Director of cricket, Andrew Strauss, told England players he did not send an email to Test grounds requesting low, slow pitches. But that message got through.

“This traitor can just choof off,” said a source.

“Heads will roll around this joint if we find the dope behind the claims that we have made a hash of the pitches. I mean, get off the grass, bud, we have an ounce of sense. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”

The official said our questions were a “buzzkill” and if we persisted with our inquiries, he would call “the fuzz”.

Nobel Sepp

FIFA boss Sepp Blatter has vowed to help Russia become the permanent home of the World Cup.

“It would put an end to all of this bickering if we held the Cup in one place,” he said.

“No more bidding means no more corruption and Russia is perfectly placed at the centre of the world, between Europe, Asia and the Americas.”

Earlier this week, Russian leader Vladimir Putin said: “People like Mr Blatter or the heads of big international sporting federations, or the Olympic Games, deserve special recognition.

“If there is anyone who deserves the Nobel Prize, it’s those people.”

He suggested that those pursuing corruption investigations into the awarding of the 2018 World Cup to Russia were doing so as “a continuation of the bids”.

All of the Putin quotes are factual in this story, no kidding.

Duck for coverage

Wayne Carey has been given a raise by Channel Seven after his widely publicised comments about Sam Mitchell during the Hawthorn drubbing of Carlton last Friday night.

“This is exactly why we raised the profile of The Duck,” a Network Seven spokesman said.

“In a dull game, you don’t want another bunch of considered opinions and facts from someone faultless like Lethal Matthews.

“You need a s*** stirrer like Carey, prepared to put himself out there and cop the ridicule.”

Carey’s colleagues and most of the footy world were baffled when the former North Melbourne captain took aim at Hawk great Mitchell, claiming the celebrated on-baller’s lack of pace meant he would not get a game with any other club.

“It doesn’t get better than that,” the spokesman insisted. “Twitter lit up, the debate went viral … It is not the quality of the comment now, it is how much it engages people. Finally, someone who gets millennial media.”