Cheapskate, stinge, penny-pincher, Scrooge, skinflint, or just plain mean. No one likes a tightarse by any name, unless of course … no one knows.

The word ‘tightarse’ has been bandied about in this little spender’s direction with increasing regularity of late.

I’d strongly argue that I’m a bargain hunter – thank you VERY MUCH – not a fully-fledged tightwad. But I guess if the half-priced hat fits, I’ll have to wear it this time around.

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So let’s shake the coins from our thrice-mended pockets and take a sneaky, off-peak trip to Stingy Town. Because, my frugalicious friends, there’s nothing better than getting a bargain (except for getting a bargain on the sly).

1. ‘Correct weight’

Is there anything more disappointing than going out for a group dinner to a restaurant that – let’s be honest – was a bit exxy for your tastes anyway, then forking out way more for the bill than you needed to?

Any proper super-saver knows that you should always take a few smaller notes, or at least some gold coins to dinner to avoid the awkwardness of fishing for correct change come bill-splitting time.

Rather than being derided as a tightwad, your fellow diners will probably love you for taking the stinge (sting, I mean, sting!) out of the whole occasion as you happily dish out $5 notes in change.

2. Please, try the wine

So, you’re off to a friend, relation or new flame’s place for dinner. It would be wrong not to take a nice bottle of vino. Luckily, if you’ve played your Terry Tightarse cards right, you’ll already have some in the cellar (aka bottom of the pantry), bought at a scandalously cheap price.

Buying by the case during an online sale might well save you a small fortune. Just be sure you don’t guzzle it all before said dinner party.

No need to reveal your savings sources. Unless there are similarly-minded enthusiasts in earshot. “How much??” “No waaay!”

3. Hmm, yes we could do that, or…?

OK, so your mate wants to do something hideously expensive – aka over $10, jokes – and you want to do something that will keep all the coins in your pocket.

Friend: “How about some cocktails at a rooftop bar, and then we could go out for a three-course dinner, and maybe go dancing (it’s only a $20 entry charge) and get a cab somewhere after? Oh by the way, it’s my birthday, I’d love (insert expensive present idea here).”

Terry Tightarse, posing as art lover: “Hmm, yes that could be good. OR, have you heard about the free symphony orchestra concert in the park? I could make us a picnic and get us some wine (see above). How good would that be?”

Friend: “Yes! What a great idea. How thoughtful!”

Yes, we know.

4. Be a tech-savvy tightarse

Did you know that mum-style mobile phones (Mum, the numbers actually go up that way…) are back in fashion? That’s good news for anyone still embracing the Nokia.

For the rest of us, no one needs to know you bought that laptop refurbished. Actually, maybe they do. Might be some street cred in that.

5. Furnish your place with exotic international items

So, you got a $200 return trip to Bali, for instance. Well, what better opportunity than to stock up on colourful (and cheap) homewares that give your flat/house/caravan a vaguely international edge?

Oh, this old bowl? I think it was from Java. Or was it Lombok? Yes, it is nice, isn’t it?

While you’re there stock up on several months’ worth of gifts – all at a tenth of what you’d pay at Ishka.

6. Sure, I’d love to bring a dish!

A quick note to my brother if he happens to be reading: I did NOT, repeat NOT offer to bring fairy bread to my nephew’s third birthday because it was cheap. I just really, genuinely like fairy bread. (And I dislike actual cooking.)

Saying that, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to offer to take something cheap and delicious to your next function. Pink pavlova anyone? Someone must have a chook around here with a couple of spare eggs …

7. Dress like a demon

Any truly parsimonious peeps out there will know that retail therapy ain’t therapeutic unless it involves a victory at the cash register. Which brings me to my $5 (G-Star RAW, apparently that’s an OK brand) jeans bought at my local op shop the other day. I thought they were $20, but was left awestruck when informed all pants were on sale for $5. Can you imagine the delight? I know you can.

8. Use big words like ‘collaborative consumption’

I threw this into a work chat once, and felt quite smart. Unfortunately, the feeling faded quickly. For the rookie, it means sharing stuff so you can save money, kinda like they did in the old days before the internet. So why not share your stuff, and look cutting-edge while doing it?

After farewelling the Airbnb guest in your spare room and handing your keys over to the stranger hiring your car for the day, co-share a ride to your co-working space (hopefully you’ll be trying it out for free). For lunch it’ll just be a quick ‘Uber’ over to Lentil As Anything, who incidentally, are a little bit over tightarses of late. Pay up people – with correct change of course (see above).

This article was originally published on Hey, Little Spender!