Florida Governor Ron DeSantis launched his presidential campaign on Twitter. To avoid seeming biased, Twitter stopped working.

Technical issues cut the live stream and played ‘elevator music’. This was poorly received because elevators can’t play guitar and, despite expectations, their lyrics are not uplifting.

As governor, DeSantis has introduced laws prohibiting the teaching of confusing gender identity concepts such as ‘Male’, ‘Female’ and ‘Other’.

He denied being trans-phobic, saying he is a “Brother from another Other.”

DeSantis has promised to build a border wall. Between him and Trump.

Trump responded to the Twitter announcement. “My red button is bigger, better and is working.”

Unfortunately, there was a glitch in Trump’s tweet. It was meant to read: “My red butt is bigger, better and is working.”

Ron is promising the American public everything they want for Christmas.

He’s calling it The DeSantis Clause.

INDIA PM GETS ‘ROCKSTAR WELCOME’ FROM PEOPLE WHO LOVE INDIA 

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese met Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and expressed a desire for “a much closer relationship between our two countries”.

However, he stopped short of giving Modi his personal bank account details and password.

The Prime Minister went in to bat for Australia. Anthony faced up, then accidentally nicked one to silly point. He then bowled a maiden over, apologised, called for a tea break and retired hurt.

CANNES GIVES 12-MINUTE STANDING OVATION TO CHOCTOP AD

Cannes Flim-Flam Festival audiences gave Martin Scorcese’s new movie Killers of the Flower Moon a standing ovation for nine minutes.

Scorcese’s movie is three hours and 26 minutes long. The crowd were applauding themselves for enduring it.

Scorsese is now working on a nine-minute director’s cut featuring the actors applauding each other and himself.

Critics loved the movie. (Film critics are people who’ve failed at everything else, such as filmmaking.)

Martin Scorsese’s latest film Killers of the Flower Moon is getting rave reviews.

GREAT BOOST FOR VOICE ‘YES’ CAMPAIGN AFTER MORRISON OPPOSES IT

Former prime minister Scott Morrison stepped out of a Centrelink queue to speak against the Indigenous Voice To Politicians Who Probably Won’t Listen Anyway.

“Once established, the Voice cannot be removed by the Parliament,” said Morrison, who cannot be removed by the Parliament.

Morrison has called for an enquiry into the legalities of the referendum.

He’s calling it The Voice Squad.

In other news…

JAPANESE FISHING BOAT MISSING, WHALES DENY RESPONSIBILITY

NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES FOR THE HEARING-IMPAIRED FALL ON DEAF EARS

QANTAS DENIES MORE LAY-OFFS, SAYS REMOTE-CONTROLLED PASSENGER DRONES “JUST AN IDEA”

BEIJING LAUNCHES CRACKDOWN ON COMEDY, EXECUTES COMIC FOR POSSESSION OF FAKE DOG POO

NEW YORK CITY SINKING, TWO MILLION RATS PUT ON DIET

AUS NEO-NAZIS SHOCKED TO LEARN HITLER WAS A FOREIGNER