A major defence review has found the Australian military is “not fit for purpose”.

Even worse, the “purpose” is also not fit for purpose.

So, the Albanese government is blowing $4.1billion on manufacturing American missiles in Australia that will be swiftly delivered by Amazon.

A spokeswoman hunkering in a bunker said: “We’re held back by the slight non-existence of our submarines, rockets and air force. But we’ll use our ‘absolute sovereignty’ to ride America’s coat-tails into World War III.”

Defence Minister Richard Marles & Marles said: “We are trying to re-imagine an army which is more mobile and can project.”

Our strategy for the upcoming Six-Second War is to place rockets between our legs and fire from a safe distance.

“We are fighting an unwaged war against an unidentified enemy. You never know where they might not be hiding.”

Marles denied that by ‘emerging threats’ he meant China and Russia, while vigorously nodding, winking and slapping his forehead.

Chinese and Russian officials expressed surprise. “We didn’t know the Australian military was a thing.”

Barry Humphries performed stand-up comedy (left) as well as his most outrageous characters Dame Edna (middle) and Sir Les Patterson (right).

BAD BOY BARRY

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival Award was named “The Barry” in honour of Australia’s most successful comedian, the dearly departed Barry Humphries.

But in 2019, Barry’s name was cancelled by the festival when he mistakenly crossed the line, trod on toes, said the unsayable and other imperatives of comedy.

A pinch-lipped festival spokesthing said, “We support diversity, inclusion, equality, parallelism, cultural non-appropriation and other restrictions upon comedy.”

The Barry Award is now named ‘The Melbourne Comedy Festival Award’, after 1842 British Prime Minister William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne.

Melbourne never said anything to upset the easily-startled tweeters who find cancelling legends far easier than agitating for positive change.

MICF festival director Susan Provan – who has been in the job since Viscount Melbourne was a kitten, said: “We can celebrate Barry’s artistic genius while not much liking some of his views.”

If only she’d said that before cancelling him.

The search is underway for a comedian whose views align perfectly with everyones’.

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