The Greens have shut the front door on Labor’s $10 billion public housing fund because it lacks a rooftop veggie patch.

“Trust us,” said a Green. “Zero money doesn’t sound like much, but with inflation it will add up to a lot less!”

Anthony Albanese said: “I find it a rather bizarre argument that says what we want is more money, and therefore we’ll vote for no money.”

But a Green, who’s two chickpeas short of a salad, said: “The more money we don’t have, the less we spend on having more money.”

Greens Senator Sarah Hanson-Young said, “The big problem with it is it doesn’t guarantee more housing.”

Whereas the Greens are guaranteeing no guaranteed housing.

SENSITIVITY EXPERTS CUT AGATHA CHRISTIE’S DIALOGUE BUT NOT THE MURDERS

“Stabbing, poisoning, throttling, shooting or garrotting are OK,” said a sensitivity reader editing Agatha Christie whodunnits. “So long as the bloodthirsty murders conform with modern thinking.”

To avoid surprises, readers are shown who did it, where and with what, prefaced by repeated warnings not to do anything, ever. For example: “Do not try this grizzly murder at home.”

Agatha Christie book titles have been altered to remove anything interesting:

Near Death on the Nile

Murmur On The Orient Express

Murder She Re-Wrote

Former US President Barack Obama waves to the crowd in Sydney. Photo: AAP

OBAMA ARRIVES IN WORLD’S LONGEST VICTORY LAP

Former US president Barack Obama has spoken to Australians who can afford to listen to him.

Obama is here to check the water temperature for the submarines.

He started petting a koala until someone told him it was our Prime Minister.

U.S. PARENTS PROTECT KIDS BY COVERING GENITALS OF MICHELANGELO’S ‘DAVID’ WITH HANDGUN

A Florida school principal has been sacked for showing students Michelangelo’s ‘David’.

The world’s most famous statue depicts ‘David’ after he swam in a pool.

Florida parents have labelled the statue as “porn”.

“Everything is pornography if you use your imagination,” said an American, who had their entire body removed for the sake of decency.

“Most Americans breed without stooping to nudity,” she said. “Instead we use paper cups, turkey basters and a sheet with a hole.”

Many believe ‘David’ has been given a bum rap. Florida residents agree, and have purchased a bum wrap to be sent to Florence immediately.

In other news…

• CONSPIRACY THEORIST STRUGGLING TO EXPLAIN WHY WE’RE ALL STILL HERE
• OVERLY AGREEABLE MATHEMATICIAN DECLARES ONE AND ONE IS TOO
• NATS NOW MORE RELEVANT IN CITIES THAN LIBS
• HELL REPORTEDLY FROZEN AS LATHAM MAKES PAULINE HANSON LOOK REASONABLE
• U.S. UPDATES DR SEUSS: “ONE FISH, TWO FISH, DEAD FISH, SHOOT THE FISH, SHOOT ‘EM NOW!”