DR STRANGELOVE: HOW I LEARNT TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE SENSATIONALISM

The Sydney Morning Herald splashed a wet story entitled “Red alert: War risk exposed!” after a red alert exposed itself.

The Age predicted war in three years, or more, or less. “The horror, the horror! It’s so scary, we said it twice!”

“We don’t want to alarm anybody, but start screaming into your pillows,” said a specialist, which is almost as good as being an expert.

Preparing Australia for war against a superpower is easy. We just need one billion babies born by Christmas. They’ll be trained in hand-to-hand combat until we can afford weapons.

Australia will strike first. Starting with teachers, nurses and baggage handlers.

Australia will be acquiring eight nuclear-powered submarines. The government is now trying to buy eight aircraft big enough to drop them.

PLAYING BOTH ENDS AGAINST THE MUDDLE

The Greens are threatening to sink government bills, “using our balance of power”.

“It’s not gaming the system,” said a Green bean counter before losing her balance and falling from grace.

“The Greens got 12.22 per cent of the national vote. That’s a minor majority of a massive minority.”

Greens leader Adam Bandt said for the hundredth time, “You can’t put out a fire by pouring petrol on it.”

He tried to prove this theory, with disastrous results.

COMEDY BECOMING DANGEROUSLY INOFFENSIVE

As Comedy Festival season blooms across the nation, a comedian who crossed the line has stepped back over it.

Another comic burst into tears when someone heckled, “Your material is a series of moral equivocations based on unconscious privilege!”

She shot back, “Yeah? Well, you are exposing your inherent cultural entitlement. Bazinga!”

One comedy venue has demanded comedians not use the C word – ‘Censor’.

An audience member said, “I demand comedy that’s provocative, cutting and dangerous that doesn’t make me feel unsafe.”

A critic who’s so purse-lipped he hasn’t eaten for weeks said, “Comedy is subjective. So, don’t mention subjects.”

A comedy show titled “Cancelled” was cancelled.

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival will have audiences nodding approvingly to agreed-upon subject matter in the aisles.

In other news…

• NEW CALL CENTRE FOR QANTAS COMPLAINTS HAS SILENT NUMBER
• SUSPECTED LIZARD PERSON TURNS OUT TO BE SUN LOVING PENSIONER
• ROBODEBT COMMISSION SHOWS “PUBLIC SERVANT” IS AN IRONIC TERM
• THOUSANDS OF NERDS SACKED IN TECH DOWNTURN, PARENTS’ BASEMENTS STRETCHED TO BREAKING POINT
• PAUL KEATING STILL ANGRY ABOUT EVERYTHING