BOREXIT!

Boris Johnson has exited his job as quickly as an Australian prime minister.

After saving England from Europe, Boris is saving Britain from Boris.

A whisker away from a haircut, Boris leaves power with nothing more than his scalp-protecting woolly-bearded cuss-cuss.

The British Tory Party call themselves the ‘natural party of government’ which, if you think about it, is an admirable feat of self-deprecation.

ANTI-VAXXER DECLARES VICTORY FROM DEATH BED

Polio has been detected in London.

“No, it hasn’t,” said an anti-vaxxer.

Thankfully, Australia has a safe and effective vaccine for polio.

“No, it doesn’t,” said an anti-vaxxer.

The return of polio to England is a mystery.

“No, it isn’t,” said a doctor.

WIMBLEDON SAVES PLAYERS TIME BY BRINGING ITSELF INTO DISREPUTE

To reduce their unsightly spitting, swearing and threatening, Wimbledon’s players are now allowed to jump the net and smack the crap out of each other.

Players will “go the biff” until the biff is gone.

Tennis matches will be introduced by a wrestling announcer shouting, “Let’s get ready to Womble!!!”

BARREL-SCRAPING CONTINUES WITH NEW SERIES: GREEDO, THE GUY HAN SOLO SHOT FIRST, AFTER GREEDO SHOT FIRST, CAUSING HAN SOLO TO SHOOT FIRST

Disney is apparently ready to announce a new Star Wars movie that’s much like the other Star Wars movies but with less Star Wars stuff in it.

A Disney ‘Executive Development Executive In Executive Development’ admitted he hasn’t seen Star Wars. “But I hear the best character is Captain Kirk.”

New projects include The Last Jedi Until The Next One and Revenge On The Franchise.

These films will be included in a trilogy in fifty-three parts. The Jedi Returns From The Sequel follows the adventures of about Obi Wan Kenyoubelieveit as he searches for new ways to suck blood out of an Ewok.

PRINCE ANDREW INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN ROYAL

The royal family has had a tough week facing Prince Charles’ suitcases-of-cash crisis, Ghislaine Maxwell’s 20-year jail sentence and accusations Meghan Markle is behaving like a princess.

This has given Prince Andrew some heavy breathing room.

Prince Andrew is planning his stand-up comedy career. He will be known as ‘The Duke of York-York-York’.

In other news…

• COURAGEOUS INDEPENDENTS THREATEN TO HOLD BREATH UNTIL THEY TURN TEAL
• GANG CAUGHT SMUGGLING 2 LETTUCES WITH STREET VALUE OF $3 MILLION
• US BACKGROUND CHECK FAILED TO CHECK PSYCHO KILLER IN FOREGROUND
• CROWN TO BE RENAMED ‘THREE WISE MONKEYS RESORTS & CASINOS’
• BORIS TO LEAVE NUMBER 10 AS SOON AS FAREWELL PARTY WINDS UP IN OCTOBER